You know those moments in life that you can play back in your mind like it was yesterday?….the moments that fundamentally change you as a person and how you view the world. Moments like 911, your wedding day, the birth of your children, or the day the doctor calls to tell you that you have a super rare brain condition no-one knows anything about…..or hell, that most can’t even spell.
Well, it was 8 years ago this week that I got that call…. Dr Williams starts by saying “Now I don’t want you to worry, but……(not helpful)….. I reviewed your MRI with a neuroradiologist and we have confirmed Chiari Malformation….” My life up to that point was relatively uneventful and I was totally assuming this is no big deal and happens all the time. Well, it was a big deal, it happens like never, and it has impacted my life literally every second of every day since then.
I barely recognize the person I was on Feb. 10th 2011. Back then, my tomorrows were guaranteed (or so I acted), I didn’t understand how important each moment was, and I lived oblivious to what life is like fighting something that I wasn’t sure I’d beat. I thought I was strong, but perspective changes when EVERYTHING changes and just living takes on a whole new meaning. In retrospect, there were so many moments that I took for granted or forgot completely because I just assumed there would be more just like them... Well, you can’t get them back and there isn’t more just like any of them….each moment is new and important!
Back then I had no idea what strength was. There had never been a moment that I prayed to God that he would just give me one more day, one more year, or that he would just let me be around long enough for graduation, grandbabies, or weddings. I had never had to spend every waking moment fighting something I honestly thought would kill me.
But, I made it to graduations, grandbabies, and weddings and this thing has not killed me. I have found strength that I never knew was possible and I live every day knowing that the moments we have will never happen again. I know that every day that I feel like there isn’t any fight left in me, I will find more buried somewhere deep inside and keep going…..and now I know that regardless of what happens I can face it head-on.
The post below is from Facebook a week or so after all this started to go down…. It is certainly well disguised, but somewhere in the last 8 years, I have actually started to LIVE my life. It took a few decades and a series of really crappy events, but I LIVE, I LOVE, and I am so truly thankful for each and every moment because I know there won’t be another like it. Maybe it’s a blessing, but I wished learning it wasn’t quite so painful!!
Too many go through their entire lives and not ever understand what living like you are dying means. My only advice to them would be to be thankful for each and every moment….write it down, take pictures, and be thankful for the little things. Tomorrows are not guaranteed even if we act like they are.
This has been a crazy journey and one that’s not over….not by a long shot. I’ll post again, just like I have done so many years before, that I am growing from this, stronger than this, and LIVING through this next year and the next. I’m not going down without one hell of a fight….
